changing jobs

ok, they turned me down for the airport security dog job.  no, seriously folks.   i sent my application in, with my picture and everything, and the suckers passed on me.   how and why would they say no?  is it because they dont know where i come from?  do they need to see the actual breeding take place, like some creepy pervert checking out dogs humping???

yes, i found out some nasty things about security dog mateship.  for one, they make you mate in front of persons. i mean, that's bloody embarrassing ok?  if i see my papillon down the street, there is no way, i'm going to "jump her bones" in front of men dressed in jeans.  does this look sexy? didn't think so.



and, you know, for all my jumping, barking and incessant growling, i do like to sleep alot, i mean, i like to SLEEP.  man, if i could sleep all day and pee right where i slept i would do that...i mean i wouldn't, 'cause i'd get in trouble with my person, but ....yeah, i would.

so, i think i'll suggest something to those folks up in homeland security...if you are looking for some doggy power, instead of buying those there german shepherd, why not look to the many shelters in cities, for some of them here pit bulls?  they seem a bit aggro, and they have big heads and bigger teeth, but come-on,  this is real!

instead of getting some gentile-bred german shepherd who is so pompous and inbred, they wouldn't know what real crack smelled like, let's get one of these dogs sniffing out the criminals.

and hey, if not, you can always call me up. i know how to bite the shit out of a stray toe...yes, i do.

drippy days

there's no freaking grass any-way!

man, worrying about bills is not fun.  i feel like all my time is spent worrying about rent or food or phone bills. and i'm just a dog.  listen, if i could sell my beautiful barks for some extra dough, my person would never have to worry about this living from pay-check to pay-check thang anymore.

i mean, dee-vorse is not a fun thing.  first i had two persons, now i have one.  one time,  i had a huge house with four floors to run circles in,  and now i have two rooms.  of course the space don't matter, 'cause im always in the room my person is in.


 anyway, all im saying is, the end of the month time is a tense situation, and my person gets a little snippy, but i know she loves me and my girl jazmine, as long as the yummy treats keep on coming....and they do.  so, come on greenies, gimme a sponsorship, will ya?  or maybe i can get that crazy lunatic charlie sheen to start drinking yorkie blood instead of tiger blood, after all , i'm just as ferocious as any stupid tiger is.  probably more.  ankle bites really hurt, i've been told, over and over again.

dog sniffing patent 0897648-12

i've got some business ideas too, and i'll keep throwing them out, seeing what sticks.  nothing involving dog parks though, 'cause they really are just play prisons for poodle bullies and flirty papillons who wink at you once, and then disappear. not that im bitter or anything.

but yeah, maybe i'll get someone to take my picture, or i could become the spokes-dog for pooper scoopers,  or offer anger management courses for wanton dogs,  or sell the patent reasoning as to why dogs smell other dogs butts, or get that job as a drug-sniffing super airport dog, then i could help out on the financial side.

 until my job opportunity comes out, i guess i'll just lay close to my person, but not too close, just close enough so she can reach out and give me a head-rub.

i know that always gets a smile...from both of us.

puppy love

im thinking of doing sit-ups this morning...yes, you heard me.  exercise.  i know why, you know why..i have to find my papillon.  i looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and i wasn't too happy with what i saw, i tell you.  now, it's bad enough that i have to think about brushing my teeth, and getting a bath, but my belly is a bit.....protruding.   and i don't even drink beer!

anyway, i probably won't see her again, that's how it is in the city.  you think you have a connection with someone, walking down the street, eyes meet, and right there, you feel ....something.  but they turn the corner, and you look back, and just like that, they are gone.   and that's how it is. 

where is my love?

so, i'm not going to wait in the hallway, for my person to notice that i really need to go for a walk, again.  i'm not going to sit on the window sill, staring wistfully down at the passersby.  i'm not going to glue myself to the sidewalk, immobile, when i realise that we are headed back home after going around the block.  nope, not going to do any of those things....again.

she's out there, and i will see her.  until then, i really need to cut back on those damn greenies.

oh papillon, wherefore art thou?

i think i'm in love.  i'm almost certain of it.  now, before i share the story, let me be clear.  jazmine is my girl.......but she's more like my big sister,  getting a bit old, and cranky and miserable and all the rest of it.

i mean, we play together, but it lasts about five minutes, then she glares and bites, and it's over.  just like that.  so, i kinda leave her alone,  but it's all good,  cause where we live, it's like a canine choice awards up in here.  i mean, the village is covered with little dog madness everywhere, and every day is like spring break.

so, you already know me, but if you don't remember, let me refresh your memory.  i am a dog.  don't dress me up in sweaters or shoes or paint my toenails, or put a freaking bow in my head.   don't speak cute to me, or put me in a faux leather bag with the initials VSL on it, which means 'very sweet lips' or some such nonsense. my teeth are for biting if you come too close,  and my throat's not for jewelry, but for barking and growling.

i dont like to be clean, i dont like to smell like puppy powder.  i am a canine.  i like my paws muddy, and i like my women frisky.

so when i saw this beauty whipping towards me, her leash taunt, owner wailing behind her trying to keep up,  hair at the tip of her ear standing on end, electric sparks glittering above her...well, i did something i don't think i've ever done to a stranger-dog before.  i sat down.  and starred.  while she ran right up to me.  trust me, my person nudged me with her boot, wondering if i'd suddenly gone ill, and jazmine came up behind me to sniff my butt.

i didn't feel anything.  this dream stood directly in front of me, her nose touching mine, and i didn't sink my canine's through her neck.  i didn't bark and jump like my life depended on it.  all i saw was her.   then , just as quickly as she came, she left, bouncing down the street.  my person tried to take a picture of her, but it was too late.  she'd turned the corner, and dissapeared.  i still sat there, staring at the empty street, until my person picked me up, and we all slowly walked home.


so, i am forced to admit, i'm a bit smitten.  felt like a fool.  i lost my edge, but only for a moment.  it's back now, in full force 4x4 wind resistant hurricane level, byatches!

im ready for her , when i see her again.  i might even brush my teeth, and put on a .........nope, not happening.

my old lady

my girl is getting old! she had to go to the vet 'cause her teeth was all messed up, and lost eight of them...eight! bottom row, gone.  it's truly sad.  she's all gummy now.  kinda like needing some puppy dentures or something.. needs to have a plastic set by the bed-side.nice pearly whites for dogs.  so she won't look like the oldie-but-goodie that she is...

gummy

i mean,  first there were the mistakes she was making in the apartment.  side note -  i don't know why we say  'make mistakes'  instead of peeing.  so,  she was PEEING all over the place, including the middle of our person's bed - which was totally NOT cool - so off to the vet she went , only to discover that it was old age that was causing the leakage - i mean, peeing.  so, she got some kind of steroid pills that seem to be working on that little problem.  but she had to wear diapers for some days until it kicked in... yes,  doggy-freaking DIAPERS.  i mean, i thought my head would explode.  i mean, we are freaking DOGS over here!

then, there is the on-coming bout of arthritis that is happening, so when she wakes up, she limps around for a while...

and now, no TEETH!

i mean, it was kinda funny seeing her cautiously walking around in a freaking DOG diaper, and now NO  teeth, but i can't really laugh 'cause she is still my number 1 , and i am here to protect and serve her.

so, go on with your no-teeth smile, you know i love ya!

small dog stand-off

the morning was brisk and uncomfortable.  sharp wind whistled through the buildings and down the block, gusting at times, lifting bits of frozen garbage from the piles of jagged ice still on the ground. the streets were narrow, naked trees stark and bare, reaching up to the blue skies, hoping for a glimpse of sunlight. just at the corner of the block, clipped to a fence, sat two pugs.  They saw us approach, got up and immediately spread out to capture the entire width of the sidewalk, baring their teeth.

One of them, let's call him, big bug eyes, lowered the front of his body to the ground, tail up, stiff in the air, ready to pounce.  The other one, old blue eyes, preferred the position of leaning on the fence, ears swat against his squashed face, ready for the kill.

only problem was, they were facing us, the terriers, and yeah, you know how we roll. old blue eyes looked dolefully at us, as the hair on his back strained and quivered, and said." git off our block." from the ground, big bug eyes shook a bit, and dipped even lower." yeah, you heard 'im, git moving , before you get your asses kicked!"

 so, yeah,  they don't know me, they were giving attitude to me, and you all remember who i am?  i had to come back with my brunello-badness, so  i said, " now, really, if you're going to get all defensive about YOUR sidewalk and YOUR block, don't you think you should at least NOT be wearing coordinated blue and red puffy jackets? " 
jasmine piped in" yeah!"

the actual dogs were not used because it would be too embarrassing for them

they looked at each other, and kinda had to agree, that they looked kinda silly growling and giving us attitude and stuff, while walking about wearing jackets that looked like those over there.

so, after some growls and hind-leg jumps and spins, they let us pass, i mean they had to.  until i realized where we were walking to .....the vet!!!!!! 

suddenly all i wanted was to be back with the pugs, fighting it out, doing whatever we needed to do, to not go to the vet again..  but my person wasn't having it.  so there i was, disposed to go through the worst horror a dog could ever go through... teeth-cleaning.  but at least im not wearing puffs.  you know who i feel about that.

I hate poodles

ok, listen... i hate poodles.  i dont know why.  actually, i do.  they are arrogant, puffy dogs, with tennis balls on their feet and ears.  i don't get it.  they don't understand the simple word..."scrappy".  no, they don't. they walk around, with their perfect gardened puffs, looking down on every dog, their horse-like hoofs prancing around, ready to knock some unsuspecting dog in the head.

just look at the picture here.  those are not monsters from the muppet show.. they are actual dogs.  look at how they are smiling, while they look like edible candy.  this is very disrespectful to dogs everywhere.

you know, i am a yorkshire terrier.  i could walk about with long hair, and a freaking bow, but my owner would never let me go anywhere looking like a wind-up toy...do you know why?  say it everyone.....because i am a DOG!

rat hunter

do you know what my ancestors used to do in the past?  hunt down rats in sewers, ok?  like real dogs.  and i still do that sometimes.  come on now, we live in a old apartment in the village...you dont think a little mouse runs under the door sometimes, looking for left-over dog food?  of course they do, and when they sneak in, i'm there.... me and my teeth.. and yes, i play with them, and jump on them , and bite hard, and kill!

then, i leave the destroyed carcass right by the bathroom door, so my owner will see it and know that i was the protector of the house, and the rat/mouse was ratatouilled out!  i don't know why she doesn't like the presents, but hey...that's what i'll keep doing, and i'm not dyed in pink doing it!

ok poodle??  so the next time you see me on my block, with your perfectly coiffed balls hanging off your ears and neck and legs, dragging your stupid owner from one stop sign to the next, and i bark at you? i mean, when a real, albiet smaller version of a real dog calls you out.. instead of popping me in the head with your puff-hooves...turn around in shame and disgrace  and DEPART!

and that's what i'll say to you the next time i see you...ok puff-daddy?